1998 – Senioritis, Stagnation, and Opportunity

I was flourishing in James Madison High School as a popular guitarist in the school music program. My romantic relationship with Ella was in full bloom and seemed healthy. While I did have a slight case of senioritis, I was basically giving my best until the end of the school year without pushing myself too hard or overly stressing out. Beauty and Chaos was underway recording its first official demo. This would also be the first “official release” of my music career. I couldn’t wait to show our stuff to the world. We recorded it with a friend whom we met from the local Sam Ash music store, Martin Thomas. He recorded the demo for us, and I think we mainly paid him with beer. This was a challenge for us to supply since we were all underage and alcohol was not easy to purchase. These recording sessions involve some of my earliest memories of getting drunk. Unfortunately, due to lack of resources and in the interest of completing this “official demo” before the band dried up, we used a drum machine rather than the actual drumming of Jack Lanza. I’m sure he was a bit disappointed with this. We all were. It just seemed like the best move at the time since we were not aware of any practical way of getting a good drum sound without investing money which we did not really have.

On the evening of Tuesday February 3^rd Beauty and Chaos played a second show at CBGB[1]. CBGB-OMFUG is a piece of rock n’ roll history that was located at 315 Bowery in Manhattan’s East Village. The stage of this legendary night club was touched by the likes of such legendary acts as Guns ‘n’ Roses, Misfits, Blondie, and the list goes on. Bassist Mitchell may have left the band by this time and so we played a six-song set that night without a bass player. I was not having a good night and really let it show. The show was halfway decent. Relationships within the band were already growing noticeably stressful at the time.

I was asked by Jason D of Cydonia (the band Jeremy was now playing bass with) to temporarily fill in as lead vocalist so that they could move forward and play a show. I was honored that they thought I could sing in their heavy progressive metal style and thought, “Why the hell not?”. Cydonia rehearsals were the loudest musical environments I had ever been in. The band consisted of guitar, bass, drums, and keys with me on vocals. Drummer Duke was super impressive and always played at volume 11. To match this, the rest of the band cranked up. Even with the PA maxed out I could barely hear more than a hint of what I was screaming into the mic, which was just as well since that meant nobody could really hear my off-key notes except on the tape recording of the session afterwards. I composed stand-in lyrics for a few songs. It was interesting to write lyrics to music someone else had already written, a first for me. The one gig I did with them took place in the basement of The Pyramid club in Manhattan’s Alphabet City, the same club that Beauty and Chaos had been turned away from the previous year. Like rehearsals, the volume was at full blast in the small venue. My ears were probably ringing for a few days afterwards.

During the spring semester both Jason Hills and I were involved in the Bertelsmann World of Expression scholarship contest. As such we attended specialized classes held at nearby Edward R. Murrow High School. At one of these, we had a chance to play a 2-track live recording we had of the Beauty and Chaos song “My Home” to a class of music creators and instructors. It was a cool moment and we felt that we had achieved something significant as musicians. Towards the end of the semester the winners were announced and both Jason and I earned 3^rd place prizes in different categories. He had submitted an orchestrated MIDI composition and I had submitted one of my first acoustic singer-songwriter tunes called “The More I Know”.

Around May, Beauty & Chaos played what would be our final show. We returned to the NYC goth nightclub The Bank. Original bass player Jeremy Batchelor filled in for us as we were still without an official bassist. Also, on the bill were Cydonia and Staten Island-based group Amethyst. We rocked hard that night. Afterwards there was some distressing news. A mystery person had “trashed the bathroom”. Apparently, someone at the venue that night ripped part of the plumbing out of the wall in a fit of rage! This was a large inconvenience for the club and as far as the club owners saw it, our groups were responsible for who was in the club that night. We were treated with animosity, not paid, and likely no longer welcome back. An unfortunate end to what was otherwise a great night. None of us realized that this would be our last performance together.

By spring, the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal had been public for many weeks already. At first it was fascinating and scandalous. However, as time passed, I observed how media outlets were still milking this stale story far beyond the point of reasonableness. I was working at the same office as my mother. She was a secretary, and I was a box boy and general assistant around the office. I would arrive straight after high school and eat lunch before I started working. I went across the street to Mauer’s Deli (on Quentin Road off East 31^st Street) and would get egg and cheese on a roll with ketchup, a bag of chips, some inexpensive baked good, as well as a sugar-laden iced tea or some other sweet beverage. I also picked up a copy of either the New York Daily News or the New York Post. These were 25¢ and easy reading. They called to me from the stand as I was ordering my lunch. I had some sense of pride or connection to these newspapers as Dad had worked as a pressman for both, mainly the New York Daily News. After witnessing numerous weeks of gossip-style “reporting” on the Clinton-Lewinksy scandal I began to understand the very low price of the paper and really began to question the true value of newspapers and media in general. 

By June we could smell the end of high school. I was gleefully handing out homemade official Beauty and Chaos cassette tape demos[2] to people at school and anywhere else. It was a somewhat diversified collection of songs featuring heavy riffs, melodic guitar lines, vocal harmonies, hardcore influences, fast tempos, and guttural growls. The album artwork was of a castle I had drawn (lifted from the cover of the fantasy novel Born to Exile by Phyllis Eisenstein) with a Beauty and Chaos stylized logo above – old-school DIY. We were fortunate that I was allowed to make use of the copy machine at Mom’s office to print up the inserts for the demo.

My high school prom was coming up. I got sucked into the hoopla and spent quite a bit of money renting a tuxedo and chipping in for a group limousine ride. The dance itself was quite lovely and Ella was gorgeous. I was dressed sharper than ever. There were romantic moments throughout the night. After the event, the limo drove us around Manhattan, we stopped at a pier and cavorted around. We then ended up at the Floridian Diner back in our neighborhood in the wee hours. It was exhausting and expensive, but I had to admit it was memorable and fun.

On Wednesday June 24^th, the James Madison High School Commencement Ceremony took place for the class of 1998. In a fitting segue for me the event was held on Brooklyn College campus in the Whitman auditorium, a place I would soon become very familiar with. There was electricity in the air. I was ready to move on, but there were genuine feelings of sadness to part with many people whom I would likely not see much anymore, especially some beloved teachers. The symphonic band provided the music for the ceremony. Both Jason Hills and I played trumpet. He was a 1^st trumpet, and I was a 2^nd. Towards the end our band director Robert Rams handed out four awards for musical excellence. Of the four, I received an award for guitar and Jason for band. At the end our principal announced that we had met all requirements and were officially graduated. The audience erupted in pent-up celebration energy and borderline chaos! 

With high school graduation came a mixed bag of emotions: excitement, sadness, and lots in between. Either I was in denial or oblivious to the changes on the near horizon. I was unable to foresee how drastically life was about to shift. Perhaps the members of Beauty and Chaos were optimistically imagining that somehow the band would continue after high school, but this fragile dream soon proved itself an illusion by the summertime. Jason was soon going away to college, Jack was increasingly interested in other things (including playing drums in Lou La Rocco’s band Mr. Jakfrost), Judd was on his own journey of exploration, I was set to attend Brooklyn College’s Conservatory of Music in the fall, and our bass position was uncertain. As a band, we no longer had any natural forces (like local high school routines) holding us together and we just sort of drifted apart like a bucket of tennis balls in outer space.

In late August I attended my first classes at Brooklyn College and loved it. For me school got progressively more interesting. Elementary school was not too bad, high school was very good and college was great. One of the cool factors that sold me on college was that I was able to buy a coffee and drink it in class. I’m not sure what gave me the idea that this would be ok, but I tried, and no one objected. I walked into that first math class clutching a sweetened Dunkin Donuts coffee with milk. My head was gleefully sparkling with caffeine as the teacher described to us the artistic relevance and universal significance of the Fibonacci sequence and the golden mean. I am going to love college, I can tell!

I began to make some new friends in that slightly more distant grown-up college way. One day as I exited a nearby bagel shop deli, I ran into a familiar face from one of my music classes, Bob Henson. He was a humorous and friendly upper classman, and he played drums. Mental note, drums, check. The second floor of the Gershwin building was where several of my music classes were. As I was getting familiar with my surroundings, I couldn’t help but notice this cool rocker dude who seemed to be right out of a sitcom. He was fun, goofy, outspoken, and played bass in a heavy metal band. He could also sing and played some piano and guitar. He was quick to joke, break out into a song, or ask a question to keep up with class work. His social sense was unlike anyone I had ever met. David Zablidowsky was his name. We became friends, and I knew him as Dave Z.

In early Autumn, I was writing songs on acoustic classical guitar. One of them was a barre-chord based song called “Daddy”[3]. This was the first time since Dad had passed away eleven years earlier that I truly allowed myself to revisit the sadness that young 6-year-old John Henry went through and still carried in his heart. As I wrote it and tried to sing the lines aloud, I was stopped several times as sobs wracked my body. I was both happy and surprised because of how powerful the song was. I was still very curious as to who Dad really was. He had left behind only few bits of his own writing. What little I could access was powerful to me. At some point I promised to myself to leave a record of my own life for my potential future children, descendants, and anyone who might be curious about it. 

On November 4^th I began keeping a journal after a hiatus. Having just begun my first year of college and with so many exciting things going on, I was looking for a way to collect my thoughts and work on myself.

Journal Entry: 11/04/1998

Dear Journal,

It feels weird to finally keep some sort of journal again. I decided to start this little journal so as to put myself back on track. My mind is too scattered right now. I am involved in too many things to truly shine in any of them. What I am truly lacking is focus. My interests are many and widespread – I have the urge to do everything and anything that sparks my interest . . .

I was being exposed to many new aspects of music at the Brooklyn College Conservatory of Music. I was simultaneously trying to improve my classical guitar skills, piano skills, composition skills, and songwriting skills. Add to that a romantic relationship, studying for core (required non-music) classes, earning some money, and dealing with at-times challenging family relations. Due both to circumstances and my insatiable appetite to grow and experience new things my life had become quite the juggling act.

I didn’t feel like I was in great physical shape which bothered me. Though my health seemed to me to be only moderately out of balance, it was still something that I knew would have to be addressed eventually. My diet was whatever I could pick up for myself around “the junction” nearby Brooklyn College campus which basically translated to junk food. My coffee intake as well as sweet treats and chips were not a once-in-a-while affair. I drank up to 5-6 cups of coffee with milk and sugar daily. If I didn’t have a headache from overdosing on caffeine I would wonder if I had had enough coffee or if I needed to get some more.

My eyes were opening to various things. I was learning to take responsibility for myself on a new level. Ideas for what my music career could be were expanding and I was opening to new possibilities outside the realm of being “a rock star”. As I was coming into my own as a songwriter, I recognized the tremendous power of music to move people to a wide array of emotions. There was definitely more to music than heavy metal.

I was listening to artists like Billy Joel, Elton John, Jim Croce, Simon & Garfunkel, and I envisioned playing in a new type of band. I was growing tired of the loud and aggressive metal music that I had been playing up until now. What if I can lead a singer-songwriter type of group? Maybe, but I was too scatter-brained with vying interests and opportunities all around me. And I really wanted to travel.

On November 15^th I saw Dave Z perform live for the first time. It was with his heavy metal band, Legend. This was also the first time I saw Dave’s brother Paul perform. I was duly impressed and without having any idea how it might manifest, I sensed our musical paths would cross in the future. Earlier that day I wrote the acoustic song “Autumn Leaves”[4]. As the end of the fall semester approached, I was excited to be premiering three of my original acoustic songs in public. Entering the singer-songwriter acoustic world was new and I was a little nervous about how I should behave and how I would be received. 

I was enjoying college and the focus on music. I was adept at it and somewhat advanced for my age, however I could not bring myself to be disciplined with schoolwork, but rather continued to just do enough to get by. It was a struggle to focus on schoolwork when off campus. Although living at home, I was enjoying a newfound sense of freedom that I hadn’t quite known before. I enjoyed the fact that college was more individual based. Rather than teachers wasting time reprimanding students for lateness or other unimportant factors, students were kind of left on their own to sink or swim. For my personality type, this approach worked well. 

Around Thanksgiving week, I was playing music again with Judd Diamond. Jason Hills was visiting home from college, so we had a chance to reconnect in person. Amidst this social activity and schoolwork, rather than buckling down on my workload (which was substantial), I began investing time in a video game which I had previously written off as unplayable – Zelda 2: The Adventures of Link. It was refreshing to find joy in this new old game.

The first public performance of my singer-songwriter material was at the Brooklyn College Conservatory of Music Composer’s Concert on Wednesday December 2^nd, 7pm. I was unpolished and lacking in performance etiquette, but played ok, and the crowd response was favorable. In addition to my singer-songwriting abilities, my jazz skills were growing as was my desire to earn respect in the artform. As my mind expanded musically, I was also able to appreciate things even though they were unfamiliar or differed from expectations. 

The amount of combined assigned reading from one week to the next in college was impossible to keep up with. And if one tried to complete it, it was too much to retain, and there would be no time left for one’s own enjoyment and relaxation. So, I read just enough assigned material to get by and got on with enjoying life as much as I could. My soul was relentlessly seeking and so I also engrossed myself in reading material outside of the overwhelming required college reading. To face fears[5] and seek the truth of what long appeared to me to be a contradictory universe, I went out of my way to read things that the average person was afraid to read such as The Satanic Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey and the Simon Necronomicon by Peter Lavenda, which not-too-surprisingly haunted me with nightmares.

Suddenly, on December 3^rd I was in the studio jamming with Jack Lanza and Judd Diamond again with a new sound and approach. By default, we still called ourselves Beauty and Chaos. Two nights later I attended a Billy Joel concert at Madison Square Garden with several family and friends including Jack. It was the best show I had ever seen up until that point and inspired me as both songwriter and performer. Jack also really enjoyed it. Soon after Jack and I jammed together in The BASEment and began working on some material. It felt good to play together after a several-month break.

The semester was ending and much to do. There were end of term concerts to prepare for both the guitar and jazz ensembles. There was Christmas shopping to do. I was trying to manage new friendships as well as old ones. I couldn’t wait for finals to be over and to begin the one month break before the start of the spring semester. And there was a long list of things I wanted to do during the break!

Ella and I celebrated our two-year anniversary as a couple on December 14^th. We each considered our relationship to be precious, and truly enjoyed our time together even if things were shifting and we weren’t seeing one another as frequently anymore. I was amazed to have been in a two-year committed romantic relationship.

On Saturday Dec 19^th Judd, Jack, and I had a 3-hour rehearsal at the local Ace London Studios. We were considering what we could do to generate more of an audience response with future shows. One idea was to dress up in suits and then Judd and I would do some synchronized dancing. Fortunately, that never happened. Later that night a few of us went back to Ace London for a holiday party. The front man of Brooklyn’s own Type O Negative[6] himself, Pete Steele was there hanging out and relaxing. Being big fans of Pete and Type O, we were quite excited, and we talked to him for a few hours at the front lobby of the studio. He was a very cool guy with a good sense of humor. Pete generously gave our friend $20 to take a car service home as it was getting very late, and he lived a good distance away. 

The next night I went to the Lower Manhattan’s small rock club Coney Island High to see one of my all-time favorite heavy metal bands, Germany’s own power metal masters – Helloween! Though the music was mercilessly loud, I was truly inspired by the show. I got the feeling that these were great guys with a good sense of humor and appreciation for what they were doing. The energy was totally electric. The diverse crowd of smelly and sweaty metalheads absolutely adored the performance and seemed to have sung along to every word. My 18^th birthday party on December 22^nd was great. I had a few friends over including Ella. The night went smoothly (no significant frictions which sometimes happened when I brought diverse friends together), and I received a new black Carlo Robelli acoustic-electric guitar from Mom which had a beautiful sound. 

By December 23^rd, I was done with all my finals. When I was going to bed late that night it had begun snowing.

Journal Entry: 12/24/1998; 2:42 am

It is snowing and it is technically Christmas Eve. I am pretty excited. This may be my first real white Christmas. The snow and the bright pink sky is very inspiring whenever I see it . . . it seems so peaceful and so otherworldly – unlike reality. Winter is probably my favorite time of year. 

I had received a great gift from my brother, Zelda: Link’s Awakening DX for the Game Boy Color. Fortunately, I had an adapter and could play it on my Super Nintendo. I spent the winter break from college playing this excellent Zelda masterpiece on mute, while listening to the new albums I had also received as gifts over the holidays: Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie by Alanis Morissette and The Nylon Curtain by Billy Joel. And in between these joyful escapes, Mom and I would visit Nana, who was very sick in the hospital. It was bitter yet sweet, just like my daily dose of coffee.

On New Year’s Eve I had fun hanging out with family, friends, and Ella. I drank some of the champagne that Lou La Rocco brought over. Jason Hills and I ended up goofing off dancing, singing, and joking around into the wee hours of the morning.